april 27th, 2024

Hello! If you regularly read my diary, you may have noticed a trend of my life going more and more downhill! Well, that has continued along steadily. Or, kind of. My environment has stayed relatively the same, it seems my inner world has become less stable. My mom has continued into her current schizophrenia episode, and my sister has informed me of more concerning behavior from her as she's ran into her at the park and stuff. She keeps losing /all/ of her stuff! She's not even homeless anymore but still manages to get her purse n phone stolen every other goddamn week! Recently she even lost the keys to her apartment - I don't know if shes got them back since her phone is lost, she hasn't been able to message my family and has only been found by my sister while shes out n about.

As for myself, I've been drinking more and more. Drinking used to be a once a month (or less) thing for me, in 2023 I drank 8 times. So not even once a month. For the last month and a half however, I've been drinking Every weekend. I know thats not as bad as multiple times a week or everyday, but I know this is related to my already deteriorating mental state, so I am preceeding with caution. I don't think its good for my 5'3 liver either lol. Its fun and the only time I get to bond with my sister since she's barely home anymore & when she is, doesn't feel up to talkimg.

During my most recent drinking expedition, I was pretty upset. Usually my mind is clear & it makes me feel better, but this time stirred a lot of bad emotions. I ended up cutting. The alcohol was numbing my pain receptors and I managed to do some pretty deep cuts. For the first time ever, I hit fat. It was so fucking weird. It was also weird because it didn't hurt at all, and usually cutting even styros for me is noticably painful. Now, not to expose myself as a freak, but I've lurked on self harm communities online for years and have seen fat cuts ('beans') before many times, and had even wanted to try to get one myself at one point. Now, I think I'm good! The initial cut was pretty satisfying and it bled a lot, but the aftercare is SO ANNOYING. I also don't have access to good medical supplies, so I'm really scared of it getting infected. I've been covering it with taped-down paper towel and washing around the wound with saline solution 3 times a day, but I may need to get anti bacterial cream or real bandages if it starts to look infected.

Now what lead me to feel this bad? I'm just generally really demotivated. I had a streak of 2 weeks where I quite literally did nothing - no art, no coding, no music, and I barely got my school assignments finished. In this time, I wrote an essay I despised (I got 100% on it somehow, truthfully beyond my knowledge, since I wrote it the day it was due). I got a lower score on an essay I actually tried on (not a bad score.. a 90 but i usually get 96-100%) which demotivated me a lot. I had a math exam I was sure I would flunk, and ended up slightly cheating on. The 2 days after, I had panic attacks so bad I had to force myself to nap to stop my freakouts. When I got the score back, an A, and I wasn't caught for cheating, I felt so relieved. But in the back of my mind I worry that my professor is some cruel one who will only reveal the 0 to me at the end of the semester, rendering my overall grade a C instead of an A. I have never heard of a professor doing this but I am still scared.

My personal projects have.. been a struggle. I have a paint sample commission I need to beginc crafting soon. I am planning to run a comic over the summer to help keep me busy among the emptiness, but I have had no motivation to start writing it all out. I've barely been drawing, not even doodles on class work. I also found out I'll be vending at a show this summer, and need to order some pins/stickers as soon as possible, but haven't gotten around to it yet. My graduation party is next month on the 25th, and I haven't yet mailed out my invitations yet. I have done nearly no creative tasks of any caliber.

Its not all bad. I got back into genshin and had a lot of fun catching up on Sumeru & Fontaine. My interest in hetalia remains. I hang out with Brenda a few times a week and call my online friends. I got a 1000$ scholarship I didn't even apply for, and had a really good interview with another scholarship I am confident I'll be getting. I've found a lot of incredible music this month and expanded my horizons quite a lot. I got a few commissions and now have some spending money, so I ordered a casette of my current fav album Anon Playable Cloud. I've started putting in more effort to message my friends and feel more secure in my relationships. My mood is very hit or miss, similar to how it was for most of my life until the last year, but my base is stable enough that a few days/weeks of feeling bad can ultimately be overcome. I'm sure this summer will be better <3