February 19th, 2024

I was trying to wait until my sociology class started tomorrow to post another journal entry, but I don't think I can. If I really care about that I'll update this tomorrow and talk about sociology. For now though,

This is the worst I've felt in at least a year. This weekend was comparable to my mental state in 2021, and more specifically how I acted when Nick was my fp. I was mysteriously demotivated all weekend, with no clear indication as to why. Usually on Fridays I don't do much anyways, its my recovery day, but then it leaked into Saturday and then Sunday. I did nothing this weekend. I didn't update my website, I didn't play any music, I didn't call with my friends as much as usual, I didn't write. I read a fair bit, it was the easiest thing I could bring myself to do. I drew 2 things - One an oil pastel drawing I know sucks because none of my friends on any platform liked it. And a vent drawing I made on a call, after cutting.

Yeah I cut. I have relapsed for the first time since March of last year, nearly 11 months. I've never been one to care about staying recovered or who cares about milestones, that 11 months was more a testimony to how well I've been doing. But I broke it, and I'm scared of the upcoming months. I'm scared to mess up my highschool graduation on the very last quarter. I'm scared to flunk my college classes. I will try to keep my head high, I don't want to feel bad again! But the issue is sometimes I do. Sometimes I wish I could sit in my sadness instead of always trucking along - I do sometimes, its like microdosing emotions so I dont explode later. The way I explained that is so chronically online, but thats an actual method to staying healthy, its called Not Being Repressed. But sometimes I have wished I could lay in bed all day and cry and cut and starve myself.

The most dangerous indicator this may become normal is the fact I believe I have a new fp. Ive speculated on this for a while now, but now it seems to be true. I think in fact the first time I mentioned they may be my fp was in July of 2023, but it wasn't actually to that level yet. Now though? It is, absolutely. Yesterday I forced myself to sleep for 4 hours because they did something that upset me so much, and then I woke up and immediately cut. That is some 2022 Killian behavior! That is how I acted during the time I was in a relationship with my last fp! Its been a year since I broke contact with him, maybe its about time I got a new one. I hated having these feelings for the first time in a year because I knew exactly what they were, and I didn't want them, but I don't know how to not have them. I realized this is why I must have felt demotivated - I didn't feel like I was getting the right attention from my fp.

I am graduating soon. Really soon. On March 7th, but I believe I'll be out of school on the 5th caus thats when my last finals are. Thats 15 days from now, and only 9 days of actually being in school (probably 7, considering I skip at least once a week, but I want to try and have one full week before I graduate). We planned the outline of my graduation party yesterday. I am excited for the money gifts caus I'll need them for my summer trip lol. The last 2 years I paid for my summer trip with tax return money, but my dad started making more last year, so we won't have such a high tax return this year. Must stay strong for my summer trip......

Mauricio is coming over after class today. I halfway wanted to be alone today, but what good has that brought me all weekend? So it'll probably be fine. It'll either make me feel better, or just the same, and either way its not getting Worse. Hopefully he'll go home at like 7, so that I can have a normal amount of tiem to recuperate before bed. Me and Brenda are going to the museum next weekend as well, I'll bring that up to her today. Not that shes forgot, just don't know if she's told her mom. I was just talking to Danny, an online friend, about this, but I don't really know how I feel about having irl friends. I've been so lonely for so long that I thought this was what I wanted, but now I have it, and I dunno. Maybe they're not the right people or something. But the thing is I'm never close with people if they're Not the right people - If Brenda and Mauricio weren't actually people I enjoyed spending time with, I wouldn't. And its not like I don't enjoy our time together, I do, its just.. not what I envision having friends is like. I don't know. I think its just draining. I call my online friends 3-5 times a week, and I hang out with someone irl every weekend, but its so much.