March 5th, 2024

So, this last week has sucked lol!! Mae discovered that our friend Claudia had died. We had been worried about her for months, but optimistically hoped her mom sent her to rehab or something. No, she died, of an overdose in fucking August. The night of her last message too. I cried nonstop the first 3 days. Since, I've been a little more composed and doing normal life things, but I still feel like shit. I miss her. I can't believe shes gone, its not real, its the internet! She should be able to come back at any moment and we'd all go, ah Claudia we've missed you! What have you been up to! She's someone I talked to every week for 2 years, she mattered to me a fucking lot. She deleted a lot of her photography, her main thing, after we'd respond to them so we don't even have a lot of her art. Mae is writing a letter and sendind flowers to her mom on behalf of all of us.

Me and Mae had previously discussed if Claudia ever overdosed and I feel so guilty about it now. Seeing those messages from 2021 made me feel sick, like little did we know, 2 years later! It also makes me sick how long it took to find out. We found the death report in February, and it had been released in late January. She died in August. Thats a long fucking time for that info to be released! Thats why we didnt think she was dead!!! Because we're all pretty tech savvy, and the fact we couldn't find anything under her name made us think, surely she can't actually be dead? This feels like a scenario I've been dreading since I started having internet friends. She's my second friend I've lost to overdose. Probably won't be the last. I hate the state of life for trans people.

Its really hard to process my feelings about it. I know this is a common mourning feeling, but it feels like continuing my life is like forgetting her. Every moment I'm not grieving or crying, I am farther from her memory. I already feel like I don't remember a lot - We talked so often that didn't spare special attention to our interactions. Rereading the convos on our server is so weird, I don't exactly remember them, but they're what exists of us together. We've called a handful of times but I don't remember what the fuck we talked about, I just have screenshots of us all on call. It sucks. She missed so many milestones already, before we even knew she was dead. Mae's 18th & starting T - which stings especially since everyone celebrated when those things happened for her (E for her tho), and now she'll never get to for anyone else. Her username on discord still says "Im here just less active", like, no, you're not! Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

What else sucked this week? Well blackwinterwells also got accused of being a pedophile/groomer a few days ago. I feel really confused because no one has shown an ounce of evidence, or even told any details on what happened, so I didn't initially believe it, but a looot of people are testifying against her, at least in their vague "I've known for a while" ways. It just feels weird. Its also been bothering me how Eighty is related to all this. How much does she know - Does she know and not care? If Wells is a serial abuser, is it not possible for her to have also manipulated Eighty into silence or something? Thats just me really wanting Eighty to be innocent since she is my most streamed artist ever and someone I've looked up to for years. I know shes probably complicit in this. I have stopped listening to both of their music; I couldn't if I wanted to because their voices make me feel sick.

Now I just don't know what to do with all my Eighty stuff. Half my usernames are her song. When I started this file, I copy pasted the nav bar from my 8485 page because its the first html file that shows up alphabetically. Her vinyl is on my desk and casette on my shelf. I wear her merch shirt every week. I have a shrine page for her on here, and 2 reviews of her music. 8485 is my fucking computer pin!!!!!! I know this is all very small business compared to the people that were hurt by her girlfriend, but its like overhauling a lot of my life in an already turbulent time. I was listening to their music while grieving. I will move on, I can't bare to stand abusers, its just a bad time

Ok what else?????? Well, I need to get a job ASAP. My family is so fucking broke. I need a job asap, I finally got the email from a place I applied to and I didn't get it LOL! Its so frustrating, everywhere is urgently hiring but no one wants to fucking hire me. Ugh. I'm also so fucking hungry all the time, I don't get a lot to eat. This should be better after I graduate and won't be having to expend energy there, but the current arrangement for the last 3 months is I only get dinner, walk 3-5 miles a day and go to both highschool & college. It sucks. I'm so fucking hungry. Today 2 of my friends sent me money to get food and I was so grateful to be able to eat, but at the same time I of course had the guilt. Especially because they sent me so much. I would've taken 10 dollars and made it last 3 days bruh, but now I have a lot more. That should keep me fed until I can get a job. I guess I'll start applying to more places tomorrow.


At the very least, I'm graduating tomorrow. I am free. Even if I have to start working right after, even if my friend is dead, even if my favourite music artists are pieces of shit, even if I'm starving.... I'm out of fucking highschool forever.