September 18th, 2024

Hi! My life has sort of been miserable since college started. Well, halfway. I feel fine emotionally, I'm having fun with my friends and such but I just have nooo drive to do anything!!! Doing my coursework has been an uphill battle... My first essay of the semester was the written a few hours before it was due caus I couldn't bring myself to touch it before that. I have done almost nothing of my hobbies the last month :/ No drawing, no updating this website, no instruments, only a little bit of my languages, like ahh!!!!!!!!!!! I just.. have no energy at all. The combo of my dad not feeding us properly and now having to walk 3 miles a day is killing me. Its so hard to do anything at all.

I'm trying to hold on to my friends but its hard sometimes. Theres been a few occasions my friends online were calling and it took me hours to muster up joining, if I did at all. Sometimes I'll be on and suddenly get very annoyed or not want to be there anymore - the energy in interaction is just too much. But I'll keep trying, I'll keep joining calls and making plans and trying to be apart of their lives. If I lose this, then I'll have nothing right now.

I have been talking with this person for a few months, I think I started crushing on them in July. And all of August my friends watched me talk about how I was unsure if they liked me at all, how I felt like they could just act like this to everyone. But now I am more than certain. And I'm pretty excited. I will not write too extensively, but I have some things planned for when I see them irl in a week. They live nearby, like an hour and a half away, so I'll actually get to see them semi-regularly. I don't tend to see people more than once or twice a month anyways, so it'll be fine. I hope. But I really really like them, I feel like exploding all the time.

Its really nice to like someone Not in the batshit obsessive way. My last relationship formed out of an obsession (not sure if I have bpd, but in a similar manner to having a favourite person) and it was. sooooooooooo. up and down. It was my 3rd time in that rodeo, and I got pretty good at handling it. He told me that he didn't even know I had an unbearable obsession with him, but it was MISERABLE for me. Every action I took was based around him, whether he actually gave an opinion on it or not. I like the situation I have now where of course I think about them a lot, I want their attention, but my mood is not entirely dependant on them. I don't freak out and have breakdowns because they aren't talking to me, I don't get scared when they speak in a different tone than usual, I'm just NORMAL!!!!!!!!!! I highly doubt it'll turn into an obsession, since historically my interest in people like that is decided from the moment I meet them, instead of developing over time.

Its also really really nice to like someone who actually reciprocates the way I do. Like, in every single one of my past relationships there was a significant gap in interest. In the previous obsession I mentioned, I liked him way more than he liked me. I dated someone who was obsessed with me, and he liked me way more than I liked him. My 2 most recent relationships were not quite as unbalanced, but we never seemed to line up. Like, when I was super invested in them, they'd be absent. When they were interested in me, I'd be distant. It wasn't the worst, but it made me grow to not care for them very much. We weren't consistently doing relationship things, and my interest waned. But so far this person has a very matched interest in me, so. Yay.

Some part of me is scared that now that sexual intimacy is apart of my relationships now (as opposed to when I was dating at 13-17, where it was pretty much irrelevant besides making out occasionally), it'll take them over. Like, I want sex obviously, but I don't want that to be my only purpose you know. I want to also fondly think about doing other things; Going out, giving gifts, watching stuff together, going to concerts, eating food together, cuddling, whatever. Stuff that isn't sexual. So far this isn't really an issue either but I get a bit ahead of myself. I've watched it happen with my friends relationships and I don't want that for me.

yeah. thats a lot about my current developing relationship, but thats really all thats going for me right now. i come home and rot after class, do nothing, and sometimes call my friends, sometimes call them.