I wish I could hate the people around me. I want to ignore every context of their lives and let myself be truly frustrated with their behavior.

I hate understanding that my dad is so fatigued because he deserves to be. Every sigh that leaves his mouth makes me want to bash my head in, but is he not allowed to sigh after feeding a family of 5 on 70$ for 2 weeks? Is he not allowed to be frustrated at his incompetent work place where no one knows how to code but him? Is he not allowed to be tired of his ex-wife-kindof-girlfriend-complicated-relationship toying with his feelings all the time? I think he deserves to express it. I certainly would be sighing and complaining in an annoyed tone if I were him. His constanlty frustrated tone of voice and poor mood annoys me to no end, but I understand why.

I hate understanding why my sister stays in a questionable relationship. Every night I hear her pleading to him that everythings okay and she loves him over the stupidest stuff. How can she know this is not normal when her parents modelled this behavior and its her first relationship? Why would she want to give this up when its giving her access to things most teenagers want - Drugs, an escape from home, experiences she could never pay for on her own? Why would she break the bond with the person shes been best friends with for the last 10 years because of a few frustrating behaviors? As much as I hate listening to their stupid arguments and her reassuring him on things she shouldn't need to, I understand why she stays.

I hate understanding why my classmates have completely given up on school. Every group project I'm put in with people who won't even respond to my basic questions fills me with dread and a hatred for the people around me. But why would they care? When they've gotten this far doing absolutely nothing, being let down by the school system and their parents, why would they try? When they're so aware they're already dead-ends going to an alternative highschool, why would they feel motivated to get better? When they have other more fulfilling relationships to partake in, why would they care how they treat me, a near stranger who is only talking to them to try and squeeze out an answer they dont know? I hate their indifferent demeanor and lack of effort into anything, but I understand why.

I hate understanding why my friends in their mid 20s feel like failures who have not and will not ever accomplish nothing. Listening to their rambles about how worthless everything they make kills me when their work has impacted me so deeply. But why would they feel their art has value when nothings ever affirmed that, when their numbers stay low and no money is coming in? Why wouldn't they feel worthless when their families have expressed disapproval of their life choices, when they have no irl friends to try to tell them otherwise? When they live on nearly no money, scrounging for deals on food and ways to make rent, why would they ever feel like they made it? I hate their low self esteem, but I understand why.

I hate understanding why the girl my dad lets live with us is such a frustrating broken person. When I hear her screaming on the phone at her 5th terrible boyfriend, I want to be annoyed, but I can't help but feel empathy for being there in the first place. She screams and kicks like a toddler. Why wouldn't she act so childish when no man has ever taken her serioiusly? How can I be mad at her for not paying my dad rent when the job market is so bad right now, and she helps us pay for dinner despite that? How can I be mad at her for angrily tossing my annoying kitten down the stairs when shes been getting poor sleep for months? Shes an unpleasant roommate, but I understand why.

I hate understanding the world has reaffirmed all of you into your bad habits. I hate understanding that every single person has a justification and reason they act that why. I hate that you feel that way in the first place, and simultaneously that I feel I can never be mad at anyone because they deserve to be like that. I wish I was angrier.